mixed emotions

 Today was Johanna's celebration of life

    Events like this are bittersweet, 

    We gather to mourn the loss of a loved one.  And we gather to give strength to those left behind.  And we gather to remember, and even laugh, with one another as a community.

    I am willing to bet that almost every one there has an "if only I had" moment or two.. Or three.  Or 10.  If only I had called her.  If only I had dropped in to visit.  If only I had sent a text or a card or a message.

    I know I have had those moments. 

    I was not close to Johanna.  But I truly liked her.  

    If only....here I go again....she could have seen the people who came to mourn her, celebrate her, and grieve her today.  She would have been happy.

    Suicide is such a difficult topic.  Do you discuss it?  Do you hide it?   How do you overcome the anger and the hurt you feel from it?  The last is important, because everyone there felt one of those emotions, some even both.

    With the bitter comes the sweet

    Our nieces came to the memorial.  Laurie was found by husband Ron and Cindy was joined by Samantha. My sister in law, my best friend,  friends of me and my family, dozens of VCCT people, and of course Johanna's mother and her wife, Camryn's mom and her step dad, and Camryn's friends and even people she worked with in the Sycamore schools. 

    We talked.  We laughed. We cried.

    Afterwards a group of us went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, because that was Johanna's favorite restaurant.

    When we were done eating,  no one seemed overly eager to leave.  

    Even dog Beth was good.  She had never been left alone for so long, or had supper delayed so late as she did today.  And there was no mess to clean.  

    If you know someone who needs help, check on them. Urge them to take care of themselves and get help.  No problem it too big that it can't be solved.  

    And that's another if only.

Peace and Love