the world is a scary place

There is a reason I don't watch many cop shows

     Nightmares.
     Yes, nightmares.
     When I watch a show like SUV or NCIS or the show with the chimes, I get goofy.
     And goofy as in a bad thing.
     I know we live in a terrible world, full of drug addicts and thieves and I know I should sleep with a loaded  Uzi or shotgun next to my bed......TV tells me that.
     When I watch one of those shows, I hear every little creak in the house.  If the ice maker drops out a couple of cubes, I am on patrol with my wasp spray and fly swatter.
     (There is an image for everyone to grasp....me in my boxers with a fly swatter and a can of Raid, stumbling through the darkened house in the middle of the night.  Good luck sleeping with that image!)
     We have a ghostly screen door on the patio.  Sometimes it just slides open.  Or shut.  Or just a little distance.  I hear it.
     The first couple of times, it scared the bejeesus out of me.  I tried to have Jackie go and check it out, but she was asleep, so I went.
     When I hear a noise I go through every room of the house.  I look in every closet.  I check the front door.  I check the windows.
     I will even go into the basement to check the windows down there, especially if I know someone has been down there....like a plumber, or electrician, or cable guy.  I go down to make sure they are locked.
     (On Skare Court, Jackie went downstairs once and looked at the windows.  "What is this mess?" she asked.  I had scattered hundreds of roofing nails on the ledge right under the windows.  My thought was, if someone steps through they will step on a nail and hurt themselves, most likely screaming, so I would have time to get my Raid and call 911.  I didn't think it was stupid.)
     Then I check them all over again.
     I stand in the middle of the house and listen....hopefully I will hear the noise and identify it.
     So I watch comedies.  And the Cubs, which create their own set of nightmares.
     When I see strange cars parked near the house at night, I call the police.
     I never let people in I don't know. Sometimes I don't even let in people I do know!
     Just kidding.
     I should keep the car keys next to the bed.....I can hit the panic button and set off the alarms, which would scare away any intruders, I hope.
     And maybe my cell phone, in case the land line gets cut.
     My Swiss Army knife.
     And a baseball bat.
     I'll need a bigger nightstand.
     Geez....I am not going to sleep tonight just thinking about it all!!