anyone seen dr. doolittle??

I am not a veterinarian

     I have not been trained as one, I have not practiced as one, I don't even think of being one.
     I was reminded of this tonight when a certain daughter asked me to basically puree fish for her crazy cat.  Jackie and I secretly felt relieved when Jaz disappeared, mainly because he is such an evil cat.  We were relieved, and maybe a little disappointed, when he returned, but we were happy for Emily.
     We had a dog a long long time ago.  Her name was Snooty.  She was a great dog, except for the tumor she had under her front left leg.  It was the size of a basketball.  She was like a little rolly polly...if she fell over she would just roll on her back until helped up.
     I had to give that dog an enema.  Folks, if you want to see a look of surprise and shock on a dog's face, try sticking a tube of something up its butt.  Jackie held her head while I had her between my legs at the back end......poor girl never looked at me the same way.  Neither of them. I had to do it twice.
     I was dog sitting at Emily's after one of her dogs had surgery.  Think it was Jake, not sure.  Anyway, the directions were clear.  Keep the bandage on.  Disinfect the wound nightly.  Keep the bandage on him.  (Repeated for emphasis.)
     I was fine the first two nights.  But night three was a disaster.
     There was an incision on his stomach.  I would hold the dog, remove the bandage, spray the wound, put the new bandage on, make sure it did not fall off.
     I struggled the third night...bandage stuck to some hair, was having trouble keeping him still.  So I grabbed the spray disinfectant, sprayed, bandaged, got up  ...... and saw the spray disinfectant on the counter.
     Looking at the bottle in my hand I discovered it was floor cleaner!  I sprayed a toxic chemical into the dog's wound!
     I called the vets office at 11 p.m., called the doctor at 11:03, called the emergency animal hospital at 11:06 and finally called the pet poison control line.
      Here's an edited version of that conversation.
     "Hello.  Is (name of ) floor cleaner fatal if sprayed into a dog's open wound?"
     "Did you say floor cleaner?"  as in, what are you, a freaking idiot?
     By the time the vet called me, evidently he was getting busy signals, I had managed to irrigate the wound with warm soapy water, followed by a rinse of warm water, and a patting dry.  The doc said the dog would be ok, but I lived in fear it would swell up and die.  At least it would smell lemony fresh.
     I once nurtured a baby bird back to death.  I am not good at taking care of animals.
     So I declined the invitation to puree fish.  With my luck, I would drop in an SOS pad or two and then where would we be?